Countdown!
by Angel Sacrifice
Summary: The ever popular C4 programme, Countdown, with BtVS and AtS characters as guests! What's the pairing? S/D of course! (:-P to spuffy)


Warning: Contains Spoilers for up until the 2nd episode of Buffy, series 6 and the 1st of Angel, series 3.  
  
Warning 2: The comfortable Spuffy cotton wool has been torn out by demon claws. Beware, children!  
  
Bit of humour based on the popular TV programme Countdown. I do not own Richard, or anyone from Countdown. I do not own Spike, Buffy, Angel, Willow, Drusilla, or anyone from BtVS or AtS. You may detect that this fic is not entirely serious. Words like -this- are the audience's general reaction.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Countdown!  
  
Richard Whiteley: Welcome to Countdown, a very special occasion, as it is our first ever *night time* episode!  
  
Spike: Well you can't expect us all to be up and about in sodding *daylight* can you?  
  
RW: No, I suppose not. And can I ask you to watch your language, you can't just say whatever you... oh, wait, past the watershed... so I suppose you can!  
  
Spike: Damn right.  
  
RW: Well. This is our first guest today, Mr William the Bloody!  
  
Spike: Call me William again, and I'll gouge out your eyes.  
  
RW: Sorry. This is... Spike.  
  
Spike: (waves)  
  
RW: And what you do for a living, Spike?  
  
Spike: Killing, maiming, torture, theivery, etc. If its immoral, I'll do it.  
  
RW: Ah yes, you're the vampire.  
  
-worried gasps-  
  
RW: No no, don't worry, he's a neutered vampire, so he can't hurt anyone.  
  
Spike: Oi! Not neutered! Just, a bit... limited at the moment, and its not my fault!  
  
RW: Oh yes, the commandos, tell me, what was it like in their secret military lair?  
  
Spike: It was paradise. I had the time of my sodding life. WHAT DO YOU *THINK* IT WAS LIKE? They did cut my brain open, you know!  
  
RW: And there we have Spike, showing his characteristic vampire-angriness.  
  
Spike: Hmph.  
  
RW: Well Spike, I hope things go better for you today, and you get a high score by using your *initiative*  
  
-groans-  
  
Spike: (seriously ticked off) Grrrrr...  
  
RW: Heh heh. Anyway, the next guest we have on our show today is Miss Buffy Summers!  
  
-applause-  
  
RW: Now Buffy, you're a vampire slayer, and you recently died?  
  
Buffy: Yeah thats right, I went to he... (cough) hell, and Willow brought me back from the dead.  
  
RW: How nice of her. Well Buffy, I hope you have a *dead* good time on the show today, and fingers crossed you wont make any mis *stakes*!  
  
-more groans-  
  
RW: (looks sad)  
  
Spike: Look, you prat, you're just not funny.  
  
RW: Well at least I stay true to my character, and don't fall in love with the Slayer... although, I must admit she is a very nice looking...  
  
Buffy: Eww!  
  
Spike: She's not interested, Rich, you're too young for her.  
  
-laughter-  
  
Spike: Anyhow, I can explain about the Slayer thing...  
  
RW: Really? You do realise that a *lot* of viewers have gone off you recently, due to your new pathetic self and loss of evilness and self respect.  
  
Spike: Like I'm saying, that's not my fault either. It all started with this bloody idiot called Joss. He's a beginner wizard, right? And he's got his eye on Buffy here. So he tries to cast this love spell on her, just as we get to start fighting and it... all goes very wrong.  
  
-ahhhh-  
  
RW: Well that's quite a story.  
  
Spike: Isn't it though? Anyway, just the other week I stumbled across this new variety of beer, and all of a sudden - bam - it's the antidote!  
  
Buffy: Oh, what beer?  
  
Spike: Um... dunno, not Beck's.... Ethan's, that was it.  
  
RW: Right. Well anyway, this is *very* good news for your viewers, some might almost say... wishful thinking.  
  
Spike: Heh, yeah, you could say that.  
  
Buffy: Well, it's not good news for all the viewers, you know. Some of them actually like the... (look of disgust) us thing.  
  
Spike: Oh, yeah. (look of even more disgust) *Them*.  
  
RW: Moving swiftly along, in the dictionary corner today, we have... Willow!  
  
Willow: Hi! (waves)  
  
RW: And Angel!  
  
Angel: Buffy? You're alive?  
  
Buffy: (nods)  
  
RW: So Angel, I hear your Sire's pregnant.  
  
Angel: Heh. Good one.  
  
RW: No, really. (shows photo)  
  
Angel: Darla... oh my god.  
  
Spike: Darla's up the duff? Nice one, Angelus!  
  
Angel: Shut up, Spike.  
  
RW: Any ideas how this happened.  
  
Angel: No, not at all.  
  
RW: You can investigate it back in LA. Right now, we have a game to get on with. Oh, and just one thing before we start. Carol didn't want to come on, because of the... um... demons.  
  
Angel: I don't see why. It's not like we want to hurt her.  
  
Spike: Speak for yourself. I'd sodding well hurt her. Lots.  
  
Angel: Or it's not like we *can*.  
  
RW: All very true, and I can see why you might be upset. But we have a replacement for today, someone you all know and love...  
  
Drusilla: (steps out and waves)  
  
Angel: Drusilla!  
  
Spike: Dru... (eyes wide)  
  
Buffy: Um, I don't think this is safe. You do remember she's evil, and she doesn't have a chip.  
  
RW: Yes, but she was the only person I could find at such short notice, and she promised not to kill everyone. Now let's start. Spike, it's your letters round.  
  
Spike: Consonant, vowel, vowel, consonant...  
  
Letters: G E A L R H O L T  
  
(clock runs)  
  
RW: Ok, how many?  
  
Buffy: five  
  
Spike: nine  
  
Buffy: *nine*?  
  
RW: Ok, Buffy, what's your word?  
  
Buffy: Hotel  
  
Angel: No problem with that.  
  
Willow: Yep, right here. Hotel.  
  
RW: And Spike, what's this nine letter word?  
  
Spike: Athergoll  
  
Angel: That's not a word Spike.  
  
Spike: It bloody is!  
  
Willow: Well it's not in the dictionary.  
  
Spike: What?  
  
Buffy: I can't believe you invited him on the show, he's famous for making up words.  
  
Spike: I'm not making it up! Look again Willow, it must be in the dictionary somewhere.  
  
Buffy: Yeah, right next to "effulgent".  
  
Spike: I will *hurt* you, Slayer.  
  
RW: Children, please. Does anyone else know of the word Athergoll?  
  
Drusilla: I do. It is the darkness of all beauty, taken from the hands of the gods.  
  
Spike: See?  
  
-unconvinced looks all round-  
  
RW: I'm sorry, but it has to be in the dictionary. 5 points to Buffy!  
  
Buffy: Ha.  
  
RW: Which brings us to Buffy's turn to choose the letters.  
  
Letters this time: G L O E S N O M I  
  
(clock runs, but the big hand falls off and whacks Spike on the head)  
  
Spike: Ow!!! I've got a nose bleed!  
  
Buffy: (in fits of laughter)  
  
Drusilla: Here you are, my William (hands him a lace hankercheif)  
  
Spike: Thank you. (dabs at nose, and then looks down at a small piece of metal on the hankercheif in shock)  
  
RW: Ok, now that everyone's alright, and noone's seriously injured, lets get on with the game. Spike, what do you have?  
  
Spike: Bloody hell. I mean... five.  
  
Buffy: Four.  
  
RW: Ok, what are your words?  
  
Buffy: Moon  
  
Spike: Moles  
  
RW: Both ok?  
  
Angel: Yes, perfectly ok.  
  
Willow: Both right here in the dictionary.  
  
RW: Any more words?  
  
Willow: Erm.. no, I didn't find any.  
  
Angel: No... oh, wait a minute. Oh, yes! Yes!  
  
RW: What?  
  
Angel: Neologism! Wow!!! That's nine letters! I can't believe it! This is the happiest moment of my life!  
  
-gasp-  
  
Buffy: Hey! I distinctly recall something which should have been happier.  
  
Angel: Sorry, Buffy. I can't help it if word games are more fun than you.  
  
Willow: But isn't it great you've started enjoying the English language? (looks at Buffy's stern face) Or maybe not.  
  
Angel: Mwuhahaha! You should have known I'd be great at this! I've been watching for centuries! Or, well, since the 80s, when it started.  
  
Willow: Oh god... perfect happiness!  
  
Spike: Well, yes, the rest of us did actually figure that out already.  
  
RW: Is this going to interrupt the game? It's the numbers round next.  
  
Angelus: Raaargh! You pathetic mortal! *snaps Richard's neck*  
  
Buffy: Ok, I've had enough, prepare to die, Angelus! (Buffy leaps up on the counter top)  
  
-all of the audience run away-  
  
Buffy and Angelus fight for several minutes, and Angel bites her neck. Then he walks away with Buffy, who is still bleeding  
  
Angelus: See you all later! I'll come back when I decide whether or not I want to turn her.  
  
Spike: See you Angelus.  
  
Drusilla: Bye bye, Daddy.  
  
Willow runs for dear life, but bumps into someone.  
  
Willow: Argh!  
  
Carol Vorderman: Watch it! I'm just here to get my jacket!  
  
Willow: Run, Carol, run!  
  
Spike: Well, well, well. Carol Vorderman.  
  
CV: Yes, and you are...?  
  
Spike: (vamp face) ...going to eat you now.  
  
CV: (screams as Spike bites her and drinks her blood)  
  
Willow: Carol!!! Noooo!!! You're my hero!!!  
  
Drusilla: Don't worry, little girl, it'll all be over soon.  
  
Willow: (sniffs) Kill me... Just go ahead and kill me. My life isn't worth it anymore, with Carol Vorderman and Buffy dead... Then again, there is Tara...  
  
Spike: Erm... no, Tara's going out with... Oz, now.  
  
Willow: (wails)  
  
Drusilla kills her  
  
Spike and Drusilla then run off together into the night, and live the vampire equivalent of happily ever after.  
  
THE END 


End file.
